Tupelo Jack
by Pjazz
Summary: Jacks lands the lead role in 'Tupelo Tales', a play about the young Elvis. Will and Grace compete for the attention of Jose, the handsome understudy.


Tupelo Jack  
  
A Will and Grace fanfic by Pjazz  
  
2003  
  
INT. GRACE'S DESIGN STUDIO.  
  
PHONE RINGS. KAREN ANSWERS.  
  
KAREN  
  
Grace Adler's.....whatever whatever.  
  
GRACE MOUTHS - DESIGN STUDIO.  
  
KAREN  
  
Grace Adler's De...vine....voodoo. (BEAT) What am I wearing? Funny you should ask, honey. Saks had a sale on. I bought the entire stock. Yeah. What else can you do?  
  
(BEAT) What panties am I wearing? Black, stringy and transparent.   
  
Just the way I like my men. (BEAT) What's that, honey? - Oh oh oh you're coming?   
  
Coming where? Here? Honey, you're not making any sense. (HANGS UP)  
  
GRACE  
  
Obscene caller?  
  
KAREN  
  
No, hon. It was your father.  
  
JACK ENTERS  
  
JACK  
  
Omigod! You'll never guess what.   
  
I've been chosen to play the lead role in 'Tupelo Tales',  
  
a new off-off-off-off Broadway show.  
  
GRACE  
  
Off-off-off-off Broadway? Where's that?  
  
KAREN  
  
It's a lockdown garage in Scranton, New Jersey.  
  
JACK  
  
'Tupelo Tales' is a show about Elvis Presley growing up in Tupelo, Mississippi.   
  
I play the part of the teenage King of Rock and Roll.  
  
GRACE AND KAREN CRACK UP WITH LAUGHTER  
  
JACK  
  
What, pray tell, is so funny about that?  
  
GRACE  
  
Oh so many things. Where to start? One, you as a teenager.  
  
KAREN  
  
Two, you as a teenager.  
  
JACK  
  
I can pass for 18.  
  
GRACE  
  
In a dress size!  
  
KAREN  
  
C'mon, Jack, honey, you can't be serious.   
  
Elvis was fat, wore nappies and died on the can.  
  
But gay? Don't take away his dignity.  
  
JACK  
  
Obviously I play the role straight.  
  
GRACE AND KAREN CRACK UP  
  
JACK  
  
I can play straight. Grace, nice buns. Karen, great rack.  
  
I'd really like to do you. Both.  
  
KAREN  
  
Honey, I've been hit on by more manly ballerinas.  
  
GRACE  
  
What songs do you sing? 'Love Me Bender?'  
  
KAREN  
  
'Gay Down?'  
  
GRACE  
  
'That's Alright, Papa?'  
  
KAREN  
  
'Heartbreak Hottie?'  
  
GRACE  
  
'Return to Bender?'  
  
KAREN  
  
Tie me up and spank me sideways?  
  
GRACE  
  
That's not a song.  
  
KAREN  
  
Honey, I was thinking out loud.  
  
JACK  
  
You'll see. My Elvis will be the toast of Broadway.  
  
KAREN  
  
I'll drink to that, honey. Hell, I'll drink to anything.  
  
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT.  
  
JACK AND HIS UNDERSTUDY, JOSE, A VERY HOT HISPANIC, ARE REHERSING 'TUPELO TALES'.  
  
WILL AND GRACE ENTER  
  
THEY SPOT JOSE.  
  
WILL/GRACE  
  
Whoa!  
  
JACK  
  
Hey, guys. This is Jose. He's my understudy in 'Tupelo Tales'.  
  
WILL/GRACE  
  
Delighted to meet you, Jose.  
  
WILL  
  
Grace, a quick word in the kitchen.  
  
W AND G HUDDLE  
  
WILL  
  
Hands off. He's mine.  
  
GRACE  
  
The hell he is.  
  
WILL  
  
I saw him first.  
  
GRACE  
  
The hell you did.  
  
WILL  
  
He's obviously gay.  
  
GRACE  
  
The hell he is.  
  
WILL  
  
Will you stop saying 'the hell' after everything I say.  
  
GRACE  
  
The hell I will. And how is he gay?  
  
WILL  
  
Look how firm his ass is.  
  
GRACE  
  
Oh yeah. That is the firmest ass in the history of......ass.  
  
WILL  
  
See those tight pants. They hug his butt like the smooth caress of an intimate lover.  
  
GRACE  
  
I see. I want. I'm having.  
  
WILL  
  
We'll see about that. Let battle commence.   
  
(TO JOSE) Jose, can I get you anything to drink?  
  
Mineral water? Beer?  
  
GRACE  
  
Coffee? Tea? Me?  
  
WILL  
  
Cookies? Tortilla chips?  
  
GRACE  
  
Care for some nipples? - sorry - some nibbles?  
  
JOSE  
  
We really should press on. Opening night's a few days away.  
  
JACK  
  
I'm so excited!  
  
WILL  
  
Me too. More than I can say.   
  
GRACE  
  
And me. I haven't been this excited since......I was last this excited.  
  
INT. WILL'S AAPARTMENT.  
  
JACK AND JOSE ARE REHERSING DANCE MOVES.  
  
WILL AND GRACE WATCH FROM THE COUCH.  
  
GRACE  
  
God, look at him move. He's like a feline cat, only with male bits.  
  
WILL  
  
It's like Nureyev meets Brando, in tight denhim pants.  
  
GRACE  
  
I'm so wet I feel like I'm melting.  
  
WILL  
  
I haven't uncrossed my legs in 2 hours.  
  
GRACE  
  
Why not?  
  
WILL POINTS AT HIS GROIN  
  
GRACE  
  
Seriously, why not? --OH! Two hours? A new record for you.  
  
JACK TRIES A MOVE AND CLUTCHES HIS BACK  
  
JACK  
  
Damn! I think I've just popped a disc.  
  
JOSE  
  
Easy, man. Perhaps you'd better lie down. Get some rest.  
  
WILL  
  
Good idea, Jose. Use my bedroom.  
  
JACK EXITS  
  
WILL  
  
Like a beer, Jose?  
  
JOSE  
  
Beer would be great, thanks.  
  
BENT DOUBLE, WILL SCUTTLES TO THE KITCHEN  
  
JOSE   
  
You ok?  
  
WILL  
  
Fine. Little muscle spasm of my own.  
  
GRACE  
  
Will gets it all the time. He's so old and out of shape.  
  
WILL  
  
Well at least I'm not shrewish and overbearing.  
  
GRACE  
  
You take that back!  
  
WILL  
  
Shan't!  
  
GRACE  
  
Shall!  
  
JOSE  
  
Actually, I think Grace looks nice. Very supple.  
  
GRACE  
  
Score!  
  
JOSE  
  
Sorry?  
  
GRACE  
  
I said...are you sure?  
  
JOSE  
  
Absolutely. Can you touch your toes?  
  
GRACE  
  
I can touch anything you want me to touch. I'm very bendy.  
  
WILL  
  
I used to study ballet.  
  
GRACE  
  
Oh please. The only thing you studied was Nureyev's groin.  
  
WILL  
  
At least I didn't stuff tomatoes down my bra at High School Prom dance.  
  
GRACE  
  
You promised never to tell! And they weren't tomatoes they were....cantaloupes.  
  
WILL  
  
At swim meet Grace forgot to bikini wax and all the girls called her Grace the Gorilla.   
  
And the teachers.  
  
GRACE  
  
Will likes Barry Manilow records!  
  
WILL  
  
Hey! I think the words to 'Copacabana' are lyrically very clever.  
  
GRACE  
  
(MOCKS) 'Lyrically very clever!'   
  
Will split his pants in the chorus line of 'Guys and Dolls'.  
  
WILL  
  
They were a size too small!  
  
GRACE  
  
Oh they all they that, Mr pantsplitter. And he got an erection in Religious Studies'.  
  
WILL  
  
Father Thomas was hot. For a man of the cloth.  
  
JOSE  
  
Perhaps I better go.  
  
WILL?GRACE  
  
NO!  
  
WILL  
  
No, please stay and continue rehersing.  
  
GRACE  
  
We'll behave. Promise.  
  
KNOCK ON DOOR. KAREN ENTERS.  
  
KAREN  
  
Hi, Wilma. You seen Jack?  
  
WILL  
  
He's in the bedroom. He's put his back out.  
  
JOSE  
  
Well well. Karen Walker.  
  
KAREN  
  
That's me, honey. Who are you? I never forget a face.   
  
Especially one I'd like to sit on.  
  
JOSE  
  
You don't remember me, do you?  
  
KAREN  
  
Can't say that I do.  
  
JOSE  
  
Jose Menendez. Your maid Rosario is my aunt.  
  
KAREN  
  
You're little Jose? Why I remember you.   
  
You used to run around our house in the hamptons.  
  
JOSE  
  
She remembers now. Do you remember what you used to shout at me?   
  
'Who let that little wetback in here? Someone call immigration.'  
  
KAREN  
  
Ah, happy days.  
  
JOSE  
  
Once I went swimming in the Sound. You shouted - 'Look at that kid go.   
  
Just what the world needs, a Cuban who can swim.'  
  
KAREN  
  
Stop it, honey, you're bringing tears to my eyes.  
  
JOSE  
  
There were times I wanted to tie you up and thrash you.  
  
KAREN  
  
Maybe later, honey. Give me a call. You've got my number.  
  
JOSE  
  
Where is my aunt? Out doing your drudgery on the lickspittle pittance you pay her?  
  
KAREN  
  
That's right, hon. Rosario's getting her mustache waxed.   
  
Then she's got prescriptions to forge and street dealers to meet. Same old same old.  
  
JOSE  
  
You're the reason I'm doing this show.   
  
To earn enough money to go to law school and rid the world of parasites like you.  
  
WILL  
  
I went to law school. I'm an attorney.  
  
JOSE  
  
Do you help my people throw off the shackles of oppression?  
  
GRACE  
  
No. He helps rich white guys get even richer.  
  
JOSE  
  
Then you are no friend of mine.  
  
GRACE  
  
Score!  
  
JOSE  
  
I despise being in the same room as you.  
  
GRACE  
  
Score!  
  
JOSE  
  
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with my girlfriend.(EXITS)  
  
WILL  
  
Score!  
  
GRACE  
  
Damn! I did so not see that coming.  
  
INT. THEATRE BACKSTAGE.  
  
JACK IS PREPARING TO PREFORM 'TUPELO TALES'  
  
HE HAS A FAKE ELVIS WIG ON.  
  
JACK  
  
Is my wig straight?  
  
WILL  
  
Don't worry. It's as gay as the rest of you.  
  
GRACE  
  
Good luck, Jack.  
  
JACK  
  
Thanks, Grace. Where's Jose?  
  
He's my understudy. He's meant to be here.  
  
GRACE  
  
I don't know. I haven't seen him anywhere.  
  
JACK  
  
It's very unprofessional of him.  
  
GRACE  
  
I know. I'm sorry.  
  
JACK  
  
God, I'm so nervous.  
  
WILL  
  
You'll be fine.  
  
JACK  
  
There's my cue. Wish me luck.  
  
WILL  
  
Good luck. Break a leg.  
  
JACK WALKS ON STAGE, TRIPS, AND FALLS FLAT ON HIS FACE.  
  
WILL  
  
Not literally, you idiot!  
  
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT. NEXT MORNING.  
  
WILL AND JACK SEATED ON THE COUCH  
  
JACK  
  
Omigod! I can't wait to read the reviews. Where are the papers?  
  
WILL  
  
Grace has gone out to buy them.   
  
JACK  
  
I hope the critics like we as much as the audience.  
  
WILL  
  
Jack, half the audience left during the interval. Didn't you notice?  
  
JACK  
  
I thought it was a fire drill.  
  
WILL  
  
One guy from Memphis stood up and yelled if you ever set foot in his   
  
home town he'd see you hung. Didn't you hear him?  
  
JACK  
  
I thought he was telling me I was well hung.  
  
GRACE AND KAREN ENTER  
  
WILL  
  
Karen? What are you doing here this early in the morning?  
  
KAREN  
  
What d'you mean, honey? The night is still young.  
  
WILL  
  
It's 8 0'clock.  
  
KAREN  
  
Like I said, the night is still young.  
  
JACK  
  
Read the reviews! Read the reviews!  
  
WILL  
  
Ok. Here's one.   
  
'Post'. 'In Tupelo Tales Jack McFarlane played the King of Rock and Roll as a mincing, talentless fairy. This critic was appalled.'  
  
JACK  
  
Appalled? Does that mean he liked me?  
  
GRACE  
  
'Times' 'If Elvis wasn't already spinning in his grave, he sure is now.'  
  
WILL  
  
'Clarion' 'Jack McFarlane didn't so much sully Elvis's reputation   
  
as drag it through an open sewer.'  
  
GRACE  
  
'Bugle' 'Jack McFarlane is to showbusiness what pigs are to sh---'  
  
JACK  
  
Stop! Enough. It's official. I sucked.   
  
WILL  
  
It wasn't that bad.   
  
But perhaps it was a mistake to stuff the microphone down the front of your pants   
  
when you sang 'Love Me Tender'.  
  
JACK  
  
I was being ironic.  
  
GRACE  
  
It was ironic that you sounded better.  
  
JACK  
  
I wish Jose was here. He'd know how to cheer me up.  
  
GRACE  
  
I wonder what happened to him.  
  
KAREN  
  
Honey, I had Jose deported.  
  
WILL  
  
What? Why?  
  
KAREN  
  
He was an illegal alien, honey. We can't have them stealing all our jobs.  
  
WILL  
  
Karen, you've never worked a day in your life.  
  
KAREN  
  
Your point being?  
  
GRACE  
  
Look, here's one. 'Sun' 'In the lead role, Jack McFarlane was adequate.'  
  
JACK  
  
Adequate? Then I'm not a failure. I'm adequate.  
  
WILL  
  
High praise indeed.  
  
THE END  
  
***  
  
Enjoy the script? Let me know at pjazzer2000@yahoo.co.uk  
  
Or post a review at fanfiction.net  
  
*** 


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